The Differences Between Men and Women
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Relationships
When a relationship
ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and
she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on
with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a
woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end
of the note.
Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a
plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are
under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed
to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can
only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball”
number in “A Chorus Line.”
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup…
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games
and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and
hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”
Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in
$20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe
Garagiola’s head.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask
for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.”
and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11
store.”
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s.
Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state
of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end
up taking better pictures.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer.
Source: funnyandjokes.com
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