{"id":1159,"date":"2010-03-22T14:59:31","date_gmt":"2010-03-22T22:59:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/funcage.com\/blog\/?p=1159"},"modified":"2021-01-13T13:09:31","modified_gmt":"2021-01-13T21:09:31","slug":"top-100-funniest-one-liners","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/top-100-funniest-one-liners\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 100 funniest one-liners"},"content":{"rendered":"

1 <\/strong>I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn\u2019t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
\n2<\/strong> Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
\n3<\/strong> I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
\n4 <\/strong>The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it\u2019s still on the list.
\n5<\/strong> Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. \u201cYes\u201d is the answer.
\n6<\/strong> Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
\n7<\/strong> We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
\n8<\/strong> Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don\u2019t have a good partner, you\u2019d better have a good hand.
\n9<\/strong> We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
\n10<\/strong> Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
\n11<\/strong> Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
\n12<\/strong> War does not determine who is right \u2013 only who is left.
\n13<\/strong> If I agreed with you we\u2019d both be wrong.
\n14<\/strong> The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
\n15<\/strong> Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
\n16<\/strong> Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
\n17<\/strong> If sex is a pain in the ass, then you\u2019re doing it wrong\u2026
\n18<\/strong> Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
\n19<\/strong> Evening news is where they begin with \u2018Good evening\u2019, and then proceed to tell you why it isn\u2019t.
\n20<\/strong> A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
\n21<\/strong> My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
\n22<\/strong> I didn\u2019t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
\n23<\/strong> If you think nobody cares if you\u2019re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
\n24<\/strong> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
\n25<\/strong> If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
\n26<\/strong> Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
\n27<\/strong> If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea\u2026 does that mean that one enjoys it?
\n28<\/strong> Some people are like Slinkies \u2026 not really good for anything, but you can\u2019t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
\n29<\/strong> How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
\n30<\/strong> Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
\n31<\/strong> A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don\u2019t need it.
\n32<\/strong> Going to church doesn\u2019t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
\n33<\/strong> Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
\n34<\/strong> To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
\n35<\/strong> A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
\n36<\/strong> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with \u201cGuess\u201d on it\u2026so I said \u201cImplants?\u201d
\n37<\/strong> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
\n38<\/strong> A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
\n39<\/strong> The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
\n40<\/strong> Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
\n41<\/strong> Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
\n42<\/strong> Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
\n43 <\/strong>The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
\n44 <\/strong>Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says \u201cIf an emergency, notify:\u201d I put \u201cDOCTOR\u201d. What\u2019s my mother going to do?
\n45 <\/strong>He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
\n46 <\/strong>The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
\n47 <\/strong>I didn\u2019t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
\n48 <\/strong>Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
\n49 <\/strong>God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
\n50 <\/strong>Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
\n51 <\/strong>The sole purpose of a child\u2019s middle name, is so he can tell when he\u2019s really in trouble.
\n52 <\/strong>Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
\n53 <\/strong>Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won\u2019t expect it back.
\n54 <\/strong>Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
\n55 <\/strong>My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
\n56 <\/strong>Some people say \u201cIf you can\u2019t beat them, join them\u201d. I say \u201cIf you can\u2019t beat them, beat them\u201d, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
\n57 <\/strong>Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
\n58 <\/strong>It\u2019s not the fall that kills you; it\u2019s the sudden stop at the end.
\n59 <\/strong>Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
\n60 <\/strong>Hospitality: making your guests feel like they\u2019re at home, even if you wish they were.
\n61 <\/strong>You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
\n62 <\/strong>Nostalgia isn\u2019t what it used to be.
\n63 <\/strong>I discovered I scream the same way whether I\u2019m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
\n64 <\/strong>A bargain is something you don\u2019t need at a price you can\u2019t resist.
\n65 <\/strong>My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you\u2019re ugly too.
\n66 <\/strong>I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
\n67 <\/strong>Money can\u2019t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
\n68 <\/strong>A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
\n69 <\/strong>We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
\n70 <\/strong>You\u2019re never too old to learn something stupid.
\n71 <\/strong>I should\u2019ve known it wasn\u2019t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I\u2019m a Libra and she\u2019s a bitch.
\n72 <\/strong>A little boy asked his father, \u201cDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?\u201d Father replied, \u201cI don\u2019t know son, I\u2019m still paying.\u201d
\n73 <\/strong>With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
\n74 <\/strong>Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
\n75 <\/strong>Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
\n76 <\/strong>There\u2019s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can\u2019t get away.
\n77 <\/strong>I don\u2019t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn\u2019t die.
\n78 <\/strong>Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
\n79 <\/strong>Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
\n80 <\/strong>I always take life with a grain of salt, \u2026plus a slice of lemon, \u2026and a shot of tequila.
\n81 <\/strong>If at first you don\u2019t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
\n82 <\/strong>I used to be indecisive. Now I\u2019m not sure.
\n83 <\/strong>When in doubt, mumble.
\n84 <\/strong>I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
\n85 <\/strong>To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
\n86 <\/strong>Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you\u2019re an asshole.
\n87 <\/strong>A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
\n88 <\/strong>A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
\n89 <\/strong>Just remember\u2026if the world didn\u2019t suck, we\u2019d all fall off.
\n90 <\/strong>I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, \u201cI\u2019m going to mop the floor with your face.\u201d I said, \u201cYou\u2019ll be sorry.\u201d He said, \u201cOh, yeah? Why?\u201d I said, \u201cWell, you won\u2019t be able to get into the corners very well.\u201d
\n91 <\/strong>Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
\n92 <\/strong>You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket\u2026 I\u2019d miss you heaps and think of you often.
\n93 <\/strong>When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
\n94 <\/strong>Hallmark Card: \u201cI\u2019m so miserable without you, it\u2019s almost like you\u2019re still here.\u201d
\n95 <\/strong>Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
\n96 <\/strong>Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
\n97 <\/strong>If winning isn\u2019t everything why do they keep score?
\n98 <\/strong>If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you\u2019ll have trouble putting on your pants.
\n99 <\/strong>If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
\n100 <\/strong>Whoever coined the phrase \u201cQuiet as a mouse\u201d has never stepped on one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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