{"id":5446,"date":"2011-12-02T22:31:39","date_gmt":"2011-12-03T06:31:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/?p=5446"},"modified":"2011-12-02T22:34:05","modified_gmt":"2011-12-03T06:34:05","slug":"5-places-you-never-want-to-see-santa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/5-places-you-never-want-to-see-santa\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Places You Never Want to See Santa"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>For one night of the year, Santa Claus is the number one person you want to see. Just a glimpse of his snowy beard or his cherry-toned get-up is enough to ensure the arrival of presents, treats, and goodies aplenty. However, other than reaching into his bag of gifts or posing behind a camera at the mall, there aren\u2019t too many other places you\u2019d like to see St. Nick. Here are five places and situations where I would be not-so-pleased to see Santa.<\/p>\n<h2>The Bathroom<\/h2>\n<p>In my childish mind I imagine that Santa doesn\u2019t have bodily functions. <em>But<\/em>, he does eat cookies and milk, so it\u2019s only natural that he must need to relieve himself sometime. Those sleigh rides are long and you just know he has to make a little pit stop at one of the houses that he visits. Walking in on anyone using the toilet is bad enough, but dire be the consequences for anyone unlucky enough to walk in on a magic person (I\u2019m sure Santa is definitely some sort of wizard) who\u2019s using the toilet.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5447\" src=\"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santa-Bathroom.jpg\" alt=\"Santas in Bathroom \" width=\"500\" height=\"333\" \/><\/p>\n<h3><!--more--><\/h3>\n<h2>Stuck in the Chimney<\/h2>\n<p>Santa has more than a few extra pounds, so the idea of him shimmying down a chimney is always risky business. The last thing any child wants to see is Santa\u2019s cookie-filled behind stuck in a chimney. If he\u2019s stuck in there, that means he hasn\u2019t delivered the presents yet and we all know that the number one reason that every child loves the old codger is because of the trinkets and toys that he brings. Of course if you\u2019re an adult and you see Santa stuck in your chimney, it just means that some poor fool thought he could sneak into your house and steal your valuables, which I imagine is equally as upsetting.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5449\" src=\"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santa-Stuck.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santa-Stuck.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santa-Stuck-220x220.jpg 220w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/p>\n<h2>Jail<\/h2>\n<p>Catching a glimpse of Santa can be a magical event for any child, which is exactly why seeing Jolly Old St. Nick locked up behind bars is like getting tube socks on Christmas Eve (which, by the way, I find to be a highly practical and excellent gift as an adult). The worst part about envisioning Santa in the slammer with all the law breakers isn\u2019t so much actually seeing him in there, it\u2019s wondering what Santa did to end up in cuffs. What was Santa doing? Breaking and entering? Illegal parking in a handicap zone? Animal endangerment? If I had to place bets it would be he had a little too much of Grandma\u2019s special eggnog and then thought he could drive the sleigh! Should\u2019ve listened to Prancer\u2026<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5450\" src=\"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santas-Arrest.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"334\" height=\"500\" \/><\/p>\n<h2>Dive Bar<\/h2>\n<p>There is only one reason for anyone to ever enter the door of a dive bar and it isn\u2019t the pleasant atmosphere of downtrodden bums, the friendly service from the bartender named Bulldog, or the impeccably clean restrooms that these establishments are known for. To put it plainly, anyone who stays in a sketchy bar for more than 15 minutes isn\u2019t sober. Conversely, anyone sober has too much sense to stay there for that long. Thus, the clear objective of entering a place like that is to pummel your sobriety with an assault of the cheapest alcohol known to mankind. Let\u2019s face it \u2013 no one should be in a dive bar, so Santa should definitely not be there. And on the horrid occasion you\u2019d actually decide to subject yourself to an evening in a seedy watering hole and catch a glimpse of St. Nick sprawled over the bar holding a half empty can of Milwaukee\u2019s Best (which is false advertising to begin with), then you\u2019d better prepare yourself for some intense psychological therapy.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5451\" src=\"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/Santa-Drinking-Beer.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"300\" \/><\/p>\n<h2>Nursing Home<\/h2>\n<p>How old is Santa? According to Wikipedia (which we all know is the leading credible source for all information), St. Nick lived in the 4<sup>th<\/sup> century, making him over 1500 years old. If he lived in America, the elves would have done what every respectable young person does with the elderly \u2013 dumped him into a second rate nursing home that serves sorbet instead of ice cream every Friday night and gone on with their lives. Anyone who\u2019s been to a nursing home knows that there are two types of people who live there: the completely senile who believe that their bed is a 1927 Model-T and the dining room is the Oval Office in the White House, or the hopelessly angry who claim that the staff is stealing their medication (which they are, indeed, probably pilfering). Imagining Santa Claus as either of these two figures could be psychologically-detrimental to any child. Actually <em>seeing<\/em> him sitting in a wheelchair scowling at the TV with an afghan over his legs, though? That just might actually give a child aneurism.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-5452\" src=\"http:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/santa-wheelchair.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" \/><\/p>\n<p><em>This post was written by Ryan Heuer for T-Shirts.com, where you can find a wide variety of funny <a href=\"http:\/\/www.t-shirts.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">t shirts<\/a> and more.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For one night of the year, Santa Claus is the number one person you want to see. Just a glimpse of his snowy beard or his cherry-toned get-up is enough&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":5447,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[625],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-misc"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>5 Places You Never Want to See Santa - FunCage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/5-places-you-never-want-to-see-santa\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"5 Places You Never Want to See Santa - FunCage\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"For one night of the year, Santa Claus is the number one person you want to see. 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