{"id":733,"date":"2009-01-30T07:12:17","date_gmt":"2009-01-30T15:12:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/funcage.com\/blog\/?p=733"},"modified":"2009-01-28T16:19:39","modified_gmt":"2009-01-29T00:19:39","slug":"mcdonalds-job-application","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.funcage.com\/blog\/mcdonalds-job-application\/","title":{"rendered":"McDonald’s Job Application"},"content":{"rendered":"

NAME:<\/span> ********<\/p>\n

SEX:<\/span> Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.<\/p>\n

DESIRED POSITION:<\/span> Company\u2019s President or Vice President. But currently, whatever\u2019s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn\u2019t be applying here in the first place.<\/p>\n

DESIRED SALARY:<\/span> $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that\u2019s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.<\/p>\n

EDUCATION:<\/span> Yes.<\/p>\n

LAST POSITION HELD:<\/span> Target for middle management hostility.<\/p>\n

SALARY:<\/span> Less than I\u2019m worth.<\/p>\n

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:<\/span> My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.<\/p>\n

REASON FOR LEAVING:<\/span> It sucked.<\/p>\n

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:<\/span> Any.<\/p>\n

PREFERRED HOURS:<\/span> 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.<\/p>\n

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:<\/span> Yes, but they\u2019re better suited to a more intimate environment.<\/p>\n

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:<\/span> If I had one, would I be here?<\/p>\n

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:<\/span> Of what?<\/p>\n

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:<\/span> I think the more appropriate question here would be \u201cDo you have a car that runs?\u201d<\/p>\n

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:<\/span> I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.<\/p>\n

DO YOU SMOKE?:<\/span> On the job no, on my breaks yes.<\/p>\n

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:<\/span> Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I\u2019m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I\u2019d like to be doing that now.<\/p>\n

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:<\/span> Yes. Absolutely.<\/p>\n

SIGN HERE:<\/span> Aries.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

NAME: ******** SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company\u2019s President or Vice President. But currently, whatever\u2019s available. 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