All posts in Jokes

Leather Clothing

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man’s heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to
think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.

Awesome Anagrams

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Funny Things People say in Court

These are things people actually said in court!

Q:  What is your date of birth?
A:  July fifteen.
Q:  What year?
A:  Every year.
Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q:  How old is your son, the one living with you?
A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q:  How long has he lived with you?
A:  Forty-five years.
Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A:  He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q:  And why did that upset you?
A:  My name is Susan.

Read more…

The Thingy

adam eve
adam eve

Stupid Wife

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ 

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ 

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Damit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ 

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ 

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ 

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’  

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’ 

The wife says, ‘Only when he’s been drinking.’

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier  People– What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a  white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt  to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is  just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of  which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more  pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of  thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he  or she can still be your friend.

Your  underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of  shoes are more than enough. You almost never have  strap problems in public. You are unable to see  wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face  stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts  for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with  toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes  — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails  with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.