All posts in Jokes

A Positive Ending

(A guest comes through my line with a four pack of AA batteries and an energy drink called Assault. He is trying not to giggle during the transaction.)

Me: “Here is your receipt, have a great day!”

Customer: “Guess what?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You just charged me for Assault and battery!”*grabs his bag and sprints out of the store*

via

Acting Cents-less

Me: “And how would you like that $500?”

Customer: “In one bill.”

Me: *trying to be nice* “Would five hundreds do?”

Customer: “No! One bill!”

(I give her five hundreds, and she throws them back at me. My supervisor comes over.)

Supervisor: “Problem?”

Customer: “Yes, he refuses to give me what I want.”

Supervisor: “There is no $500 bill.”

Customer: “Yes there is!”

Supervisor: “Not since the late 1800′s ma’am.”

Customer: “I remember seeing it!”

Supervisor: “Then might I say you look great for your age!”

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Car acronyms

BMW – Big Money Waste

BUICK – Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CHEVROLET – Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

CHEVY – Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

DODGE – Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT – Fix It Again Tomorrow

FORD – Found On Road Dead –  Fix Or Repair Daily

GM – Grinding Metal

GMC – Gotta Mechanic Coming

HONDA – Hold On, Not Done Accelerating

JEEP – Just Enough Engine Power

KIA – Killed In Action

MAZDA – Made At Zoo by Demented Apes

MG – Mostly Garaged

OLDSMOBILE – Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday

PINTO – Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants

PLYMOUTH – Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood

PONTIAC – Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It’s A Cadillac

PORSCHE – Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive

SUBARU – Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath

TOYOTA – The One You Ought To Avoid

VW – Virtually Worthless

10 Reasons to go to work naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

That Thing

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

The Mechanic

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler.”
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Knock, knock

via EatLiver

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”