All posts in Jokes

When Engineers go to hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: “So, how are things in Hell?” Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” “What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.” “Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

A young boy walks into a barber shop

A young boy walks into a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Two guys took their dogs for a stroll….

… and after a while the one says:
Dog Owner A: Let’s go and get something to bite at this restaurant over here.
Dog Owner B: Can’t do. They don’t accept pets.
Dog Owner A: No worries. Just follow me and do as I do.
So the guy puts on his shades and enters confidently the restaurant where he is stopped by the waiter telling him that dogs are not allowed.
Dog Owner A: But this is my guide dog.
Waiter: Oh, I am terribly sorry, but you see, we have never seen a Poodle being a guide dog before etc etc etc
Dog Owner A: Ah, its the new craze. If well trained they are remarkable guide dogs.
And he proceeds to a table. Second guy sees all this and puts on his shades as well and enters confidently, only to be stopped by the waiter: “No pets allowed”.
Dog owner B: But I am blind, this is my guide dog.
Waiter: Guide dog? It’s a Chihuahua!!!!
Dog Owner B: No way! they gave me a Chihuahua?!?!

Insurance Jokes

Sex Life Insurance
If you sleep with your wife that’s Legal and General.
If you sleep with your girlfriend that’s Mutual Trust.
If you sleep with a prostitute that’s Commercial Union.
If you sleep with all types that’s Group Life.
If your wife lets you sleep around that’s Liberty Life

Financial Hardship
One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband’s life insurance policy. ‘We always paid it in time’, she wrote, ‘but since my dear husband’s sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore’.

Minding Own Business
I had a real claim from a person, that “I was minding my own business when a pedestrian hit me and went under my car!”

Sleep on it Tonight!
Life insurance agent to would-be client:
“Don’t let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.”

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,…….. ‘Ma’am,

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!………That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. ……..’Get your own f*ing blanket.’

After a moment of silence, ……….he farted.

The End

Wal-Mart Greeter

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Dear Dad

Letter home from school…

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

A week later….. a letter from “home”

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

When chemists die… we Barium!


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