I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.