Golf used to be exciting. There were argyle socks, knickers and Tam O’Shanters to coordinate. Woods were made of actual wood, and would occasionally shatter upon impact with the ball. People who wanted to play golf had to slog through the often-damp links on foot, prior the invention of Gore-Tex golf shoes. But with the recent revolution in golf equipment technology, playing golf has become tediously boring. Rare-earth metal drivers with ham-sized club heads catapult GPS-guided nanotechnology balls directly to the green, tweeting the golfer’s score en-route via 4G LTE. Putting greens automatically adjust for errant taps, rewarding duffers and hackers with praiseworthy handicaps.
All that soggy, wood-shattering plaid excitement led to forty years of snooze-worthy golf carts. Since the ‘50s, when carts became accepted at even the finest clubs, the same basic design has persisted. But when golf got boring, golf carts started to take up the slack. Here are six over-the-top carts sure to bring the excitement back to your golf course.
1. Liberal Guilt Cart
Envisioned by a group of ‘90s dot-com millionaires who were forced by sudden wealth to eschew ratty hoodies in favor of collared shirts while sharing country clubs with fossil fuel barons, this solar cart’s shade canopy not only protects pasty IT professionals from melanoma, but also charges the cart’s batteries! Naturally, Hammacher Schlemmer offers it in four snazzy colors. No word on iPod connectivity.
2. Antique Cart-vertible
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the 5 MPH wind in your thinning, combed-over hair while traversing the fairways in Streetrod Productions Kustom Karts inscrutably named LE290A. Apparently, LECART was already taken. You’ll provide instant class to the shoddiest goat track in this retractible-roofed beauty. Or, you’ll get mugged for your fancy cart. Even odds.
3. Desert Stormers
Following the first Gulf War, Arnold Schwarzenegger insisted on purchasing a Humvee to transport himself around California in 3-MPG safety. A year later, the Humvee became the street-legal Hummer H1, which gave birth to the H2 and its runt sibling H3. Gluttonous fuel consumption led to the demise of Hummer in 2010. But, get excited, because you can relive the sandy sprint from Kuwait into Iraq while scouring the sand trap for your errant shot. Do it for General Schwarzkopf!
4. For Those Afflicted with WSS
It’s time for some honesty. The Greatest Generation and their children, the Baby Boomers, are starting to talk to their doctor about WSS. On the golf course, you’ll know these people by their garish outfits emblazoned with wild-eyed birds, ferocious jungle creatures or the severed heads of colonial or Native Americans. They’re suffering from Wrong Sport Syndrome. In the off chance that they’ve got their condition under control, you shall know them by their carts.
WSS for NFL fans:
There are also carts for NBA, NCAA Football and perhaps the most serious case of WSS, Hunters. Note: WSS Hunter-Golfers can be dangerous; play through with caution.
With an increasing number of retirees navigating their burgundy or navy blue Buicks onto golf courses and into glass-fronted fast food restaurants due to the ever-pesky problem of pedal confusion, something had to be done. Three words: Buick. Golf. Cart. Unsurprisingly, these carts are popping up in vast numbers across the retirement communities of Florida and Arizona, and not just on the golf courses. They’re sold with a factory-set always-blinking left turn signal, and can reach a maximum speed of 14 MPH for authenticity.
Not just for mall parking lots anymore, the Cadillac Escalade is now ready for your golfing journey. A quick peek at the specs on the golf-cart Escalade reveals that it’s rolling on 16-inch wheels and full sized automotive tires. That makes sense, as the full size Escalade shares its rubber fitment with the Lunar Rover. If you can get past the idea that your golf cart is an awful lot like your nephew’s Power Wheels Escalade, you can cruise the links in style.
For Your Kid:
Golf. Saved by the Cart. With sweet rides like these, who cares about a few extra strokes?
Mike Regans enjoys motorsports in Jacksonville, Florida. He is an authority on atv batteries and motorcycle batteries.